Autistic masking - do I even do it?
By Alexandra Nixey
Do you have a mask? What does yours look like? Do you think it works? Do you think it’s working FOR you? Or are you just exhausted by it, sick of it, over it?
You’ve got your Autism diagnosis recently, or finally ‘outed’ yourself, and now people are talking to you about autistic masking. You’ve heard about it, but never really applied it to yourself. Should you?
What IS masking?
Masking or camouflaging is so common in Autistic people that it’s made it into the Gold Standard diagnostic text, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders[1] (DSM-5, text revised, and noting the very non-affirming name of the book). The DSM-5-TR talks about “…difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts…”, which is just a clinical way of saying we Autistic people try to socially mask – our brains are telling us we must adjust to fit society.
Leading Autism researcher, Tony Attwood, describes it like this: masking is “…acquiring social skills by observation and imitation is an intellectual rather than intuitive activity. The child or adolescent subsequently creates a social ‘mask’ and artificial persona, gradually acquiring social scripts in terms of dialogue, facial expressions, and gestures that they have observed, analysed, and imitated”[2]. (By the way, I highly recommend Dr Attwood’s website for more information, especially about Autistic girls). So basically, you’re covering up your authentic self with a mask of social appropriateness and trying your hardest to conform to a set of social rules that weren’t made for your brain. Your brain feels this is protecting you, and perhaps it is, from stigma, bullying, and social rejection.
Do I still have a personality?
You may be worried that your whole personality is a sham tied up in a mask. But how you mask, the things you do and say for others while masking, are often still dependent on your true personality. Those whose mask aligns with their true personality are less exhausted by masking. For example, if you’re an extrovert, your mask might still let you be gregarious. However, your mask might dampen your outgoing nature if that feels safest. Dampening your natural gregariousness will feel exhausting. On the flip side, many naturally introverted people try to be more social – making eye contact, joining in the jokes (that they may or may not get). This would also be exhausting. Basically, the more the mask deviates from the true personality, the more exhausting masking is[3].
Do YOU have a mask?
Back to the original question: do you have a mask? This is an interesting one because some neurodivergent people have masked for so long, they don’t even know if they do. Or if they know they mask, they’re not sure exactly how it shows up for other people. Both these might be something you can ask a parent, sibling, long-term bestie, or partner – your trusted peeps[4]. Understanding what the mask looks like can be the first step in unmasking.
To unmask or to not unmask, that is the question!
The next thing you might ask yourself is what you should do, or want to do, with this information. You might want to do nothing – accept yourself as you are and keep the mask that has been working for you for years. Sometimes this is the easiest option. We’re not talking right or wrong here and staying masked might be the right choice for some people. Alternatively, you might choose to practise unmasking with those trusted peeps of yours and see what happens4. And you might also seek out a neuroaffirming professional, such as one of the psychologists at Sea Spray Psychology (shameless plug) to help you muddle through where the mask starts and where it ends, and what lies past that end - the authentic self.
That sounds easy as a paragraph in a magazine article, but the process can be long and confusing and will often stir up a lot of grief. Grief at always having known you’re different but not quite knowing why, grief at putting so much effort into hiding that difference (to varying levels of success), grief at not being able to be your authentic self for so long and possibly not even realising you’ve been hiding it. And grief that the mask is so ingrained that figuring out what your authentic self looks like feels impossible – like, do you even know how NOT to mask?
But there might be relief too. A break from the exhaustion of performing for others, getting to know your little quirks, cute weirdnesses, and your awesome uniqueness. Getting to identify and accept sensory sensitivities and actually act on them, maybe leaving the loud room instead of putting up with it to avoid seeming strange, not making eye contact if its uncomfortable, or using a fidget the whole time (there are lots of cool adult ‘sensory modulation tools’ now, like very stylish spinner rings).
Reclaiming the authentic self can happen but, as mentioned earlier, it’s easiest when you are surrounded by a team of trusted people who you feel accepted by, and a neuroaffirming professional who has experience teasing these things out.
[1] https://www.autismspeaks.org/autism-diagnostic-criteria-dsm-5
[2] https://www.attwoodandgarnettevents.com/blogs/news/the-latest-research-on-camouflaging
[3] Robinson, Hull & Petrides. (2020). Big Five model and trait emotional intelligence in camouflaging behaviours in autism. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 152.
[4] Miller, D., Rees, J., & Pearson, A. (2021). "Masking is life": Experiences of masking in autistic and nonautistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4), 330–338. https://doi.org/10.1089/AUT.2020.0083
