Attachment Styles: Mythbusting the Internet’s Favourite Psychology Theory

By Alex Nixey

If you've spent any time on TikTok or Instagram lately, you've probably come across posts focused on Attachment Styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure. Maybe you've even diagnosed your partner, your mother, your exes, your best friend and probably yourself.

Attachment theory has become a popular way of understanding relationships. But some of the things we hear about attachment online are a little…oversimplified.

So, let's do some mythbusting.

Myth #1: Your attachment style is completely determined by your childhood

Attachment theory originated with psychologist John Bowlby, who proposed that our early relationships with caregivers help shape expectations about relationships and whether other people can be relied upon when we need them during childhood.

But this doesn't mean your childhood determines your relationship destiny.

Further research looked at childhood attachment patterns and how they might show up in adult relationships and found our early attachment experiences can influence later relationships, but they don't lock us into a particular attachment style for life.

Our early experiences matter, but so do later relationships and experiences. Attachment patterns can change over time, particularly when we experience relationships that are safe, supportive and responsive…or the opposite.

Your childhood is part of your story. It isn't the whole story.

Myth #2: Everyone has one attachment style

The internet would have us believe that we're all neatly sorted into four boxes: secure, anxious, avoidant or disorganised.

Reality is considerably messier.

Attachment is better understood as a pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours in relationships, and these can vary between relationships and circumstances. You might feel very secure with one person and considerably less secure with another.

Myth #3: Anxious attachment means you're needy

Being worried about a relationship doesn't automatically mean you have an anxious attachment style.

People understandably want reassurance when a relationship feels uncertain. They can become worried when someone they love seems distant. They can feel jealous, rejected or afraid of losing someone.

But these are human experiences.

Attachment insecurity becomes more relevant when patterns of worry, reassurance-seeking or fear of rejection become persistent and start affecting relationships.

Myth #4: Avoidant attachment means you don't want relationships

Someone with avoidant attachment isn't necessarily someone who hates intimacy and wants to live with a bunch of reptiles to satisfy their companionship needs!

Avoidant attachment is more about how a person manages closeness, dependence and emotional vulnerability. Someone may want a relationship while simultaneously finding emotional intimacy uncomfortable or feeling a strong need for independence.

Wanting connection and finding connection difficult aren't mutually exclusive.

Myth #5: Securely attached people never get upset

Wouldn't that be nice?

Secure attachment doesn't mean being endlessly calm, confident and emotionally unbothered. Securely attached people can still feel jealous, angry, rejected or afraid.

The difference is in how those feelings are managed. Someone with a more secure attachment pattern may be better able to communicate their needs, tolerate uncertainty and repair a relationship after conflict more easily than those with anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachment styles.

Secure doesn't mean perfect.

So, what's the point of attachment theory?

Attachment theory can give us a useful language for thinking about how we connect and interact with other people, and how we experience intimate relationships. It can help us notice patterns and become curious about what happens when we feel close, rejected, uncertain or vulnerable.

But an attachment label shouldn't become a diagnosis…or an excuse.

Instead of asking, "What attachment style am I?", perhaps more useful questions are:

How do I respond when I feel rejected? How comfortable am I with intimacy? Can I communicate what I need? What happens when someone I love needs something from me? And how do I respond when relationships become difficult?

Understanding our attachment patterns can help us understand ourselves.

But remember: you are more than your attachment style.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Recent developments, emerging debates, and future directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 401–422. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-102813

Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26–30. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.008

Pinquart, M., Feußner, C., & Ahnert, L. (2013). Meta-analytic evidence for stability in attachments from infancy to early adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 15(2), 189–218. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2013.746257