by Alex Nixey
Psychology has given us some wonderfully useful language for understanding ourselves and our relationships.
Unfortunately, the internet has also taken some genuinely useful psychological concepts and, well… made a total mess of them!
Gaslighting, Narcissist, Trauma, Boundaries, Toxic, Triggered, Attachment style. These words can help us describe genuinely important experiences, but they're increasingly being used to describe everything from a difficult relationship to someone simply being annoying.
So, let's have a look at some popular therapy speak, how we're using it online, and what these terms actually mean.
I’m little bit OCD/ADHD/Autistic
Online:
I’m totally OCD! I can't stand having ta messy desk.
Im so ADHD today. I forgot my keys…AGAIN
I hate small talk.. I’m basically Autistic. Everyone's a little bit autistic, that’s why they call it the spectrum!
Fact:
OCD, ADHD and Autism are clinical diagnoses, not personality quirks or collections of individual traits. Everyone can be forgetful, dislike mess, struggle with small talk or become intensely interested in something, but having an occasional trait associated with a condition isn't the same as having the condition itself.
Diagnoses are based on patterns of characteristics, their impact on a person's life, and the broader clinical picture. You don't need to tick every box, but you do need more than one relatable characteristic.
And there's another problem with using these terms casually: it can make conditions that can have a significant impact on people's lives sound like quirky personality traits. Saying “I'm so OCD because I religiously check my diary of appointments as soon as I wake up” might seem harmless, but it can obscure the struggles someone with OCD has when living with it every day.
So yes, you can be incredibly particular about how your pantry is organised without having OCD. You can forget where you put your phone without having ADHD. And you can dislike eye contact without being Autistic.
A trait isn't a diagnosis.
Gaslighting
Online:
She reckons she doesn’t remember it the way it happened. She’s so gaslighting me.
I told him was upset about what he said and he reckons he didn’t even say it! Total gaslighter.
My partner said I was overreacting the other day. Gaslighting.
Fact:
Gaslighting describes a pattern of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own perceptions, memories or understanding of reality.
Someone disagreeing with you isn't necessarily gaslighting. Neither is someone genuinely remembering an event differently. Even saying “I don't remember it that way” isn't automatically gaslighting.
The important thing is the pattern and intent. Gaslighting involves repeatedly undermining someone's confidence in their own perception of events, rather than simply having a disagreement about what happened.
Narcissist
Online:
My boss talked to me for HALF AN HOUR about his golfing trip. Narcissist.
She made such a big deal about paying for everyone. Total narcissist.
My ex couldn't handle criticism. Obviously narcissistic.
Fact:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable condition involving a persistent pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and difficulties with empathy, among other features.
Someone can be selfish, arrogant, self-centred or even behave terribly without having NPD.
Trauma
Online:
I got ghosted by this guy on Bumble - so traumatic
My parents made me clean my room EVERY DAY. Childhood trauma.
My boss gave me a performance review and I'm so traumatised!
Fact:
People use “trauma” in everyday language to describe experiences that were upsetting. But clinically, psychological trauma refers to the response to extraordinarily threatening or deeply harmful events. Something can be painful, distressing or upsetting without necessarily being traumatic in the clinical sense.
And yes, your embarrassing school assembly probably felt traumatic. That doesn't necessarily make it psychological trauma.
Triggered
Online:
I saw my ex's Instagram story - OMG, so triggered.
My mother mentioned my childhood dog Boo and I was completely triggered.
Sarah wore the same dress to the wedding as me…triggered!
Fact:
A trigger can refer to something that activates a strong emotional or physiological response, particularly when it is associated with previous psychologically traumatic experiences.
But feeling annoyed, embarrassed, offended or even very upset doesn't automatically mean you've been “triggered” in the clinical sense.
Sometimes you're triggered. Sometimes you're just pissed off.
Toxic
Online:
My friend cancelled dinner again. She's toxic.
My boss asked me to work late. Toxic workplace, lol.
My dad told me to reduce my son’s sugar intake and totally guilt tripped me! He’s so toxic.
Fact:
“Toxic” isn't a psychological diagnosis. It's a broad term used to describe relationships or patterns of behaviour that are harmful, unhealthy or damaging. A relationship can contain unhealthy behaviours without the entire relationship, or the person, being “toxic”.
Sometimes a relationship really is harmful. But sometimes someone is inconsiderate, difficult, incompatible with us, or simply having a bad week. Those things aren't necessarily the same as a toxic relationship.
Boundaries
Online:
You disagree with me about giving the kids pizza on a week night? You’ve crossed my boundary!
Saturday is our date night. If you ever break that you're disrespecting my boundaries.
You're not allowed to raise your voice, ever. That’s my boundary.
Fact:
A boundary describes what you will and won't accept, and what you will do in response. It's about managing your own participation in a situation, rather than controlling another person's behaviour.
“If you continue yelling at me, I'll leave the conversation and we'll try again when we're both calmer” is a boundary.
“You're not allowed to raise your voice at me, ever” is a rule you're trying to impose on someone else.
Boundaries can absolutely involve other people's behaviour. You might decide that you won't stay in a relationship where there is infidelity, for example. The important distinction is that you can't control what another person does but you can decide what you will do in response.
Attachment style
Online:
She wants reassurance after an argument. Anxious attachment.
He doesn't like talking about his feelings. Definitely avoidant.
He sent me a bunch of texts this morning but hasn't texted me back all day. Disorganised attachment.
Fact:
Attachment describes the ways we tend to experience and navigate closeness, intimacy, trust and dependence in our relationships with other people. These patterns can influence how we respond to conflict, rejection and emotional vulnerability, but they aren't fixed personality types and can vary across relationships and change over time.
And no, your partner's attachment style probably isn't the reason they’re a terrible texter!
So, is therapy speak bad?
Not at all…most of the time.
Having accessible language for psychological concepts can help us understand ourselves, communicate our experiences and recognise when something isn't working.
Psychology is complicated. People are complicated. A TikTok diagnosis in 30 seconds probably isn't going to capture either.
So by all means, learn the language. Use it. Talk about your boundaries, your attachment patterns and the things that affect you.
And if your entire personality has recently become “anxiously attached, highly triggered and surrounded by narcissists”, perhaps it's time to have a chat with an actual psychologist.
