by Alex Nixey
When we talk about sexuality, we often reduce it to one question:
“What gender are you attracted to?”
And while sexual orientation is certainly part of sexuality, it is only one piece of a much bigger picture.
The World Health Organization describes sexuality as a central aspect of being human that encompasses sexual orientation, gender, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction. It can be expressed through our thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, values, behaviours, practices, roles and relationships.
In other words, sexuality is about a lot more than who you fancy.
So, what makes up our sexuality?
Who we're attracted to is one part. We might be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or use another label—or no label at all.
But sexuality also includes what we enjoy and what we're curious about. This might include our preferences, turn-ons, fantasies, kinks and fetishes.
And then there's what we want from relationships.
Do we want a long-term monogamous relationship? Casual sexual relationships? Emotional intimacy without sex? Multiple relationships? No relationships at all?
Our sexuality doesn't exist separately from the rest of our lives. It intersects with our relationships, our values, our bodies, our identities and our experiences.
What about fantasies?
A fantasy isn't necessarily a wish or an intention.
People can have sexual fantasies about things they have no desire to experience in real life. Our imaginations are wonderfully weird places, and sexual fantasies don't always follow the same rules as our actual preferences or behaviour.
Having a fantasy doesn't mean you have to act on it, identify with it, or even particularly want it to happen.
And what about kink?
Kink is another part of sexuality that can sometimes be misunderstood.
Kink and BDSM encompass a wide range of consensual sexual interests and practices. They aren't inherently signs of psychological dysfunction, and having a kink doesn't automatically mean something has gone wrong in someone's development.
In fact, emerging research suggests that Autistic people may be disproportionately represented among people interested in or engaging in kink and BDSM. We don't yet have a clear understanding of why this might be - the research is still relatively limited. Some researchers have suggested that aspects of kink communities, including explicit communication, clear negotiation and consent, and particular sensory experiences, may be appealing to some autistic people.
Importantly, kink itself isn't a problem that needs to be fixed. As with any sexual interest, what matters is consent, safety, mutuality and whether it is causing distress or harm.
Your sexuality isn't necessarily static
Another thing we sometimes forget is that sexuality can change throughout our lives.
Our relationships change. Our bodies change. We change.
Something that felt important to us at twenty might feel very different at forty. We might discover new things we enjoy, lose interest in things we once enjoyed, or find ourselves attracted to people or exploring aspects of our sexuality that we hadn't previously considered.
That doesn't necessarily mean we were “wrong” about ourselves before. It may simply mean we're different now.
So, what is “normal”?
There is enormous diversity in human sexuality. What one person finds exciting, another might find completely uninteresting. Some people experience strong sexual desire; others experience little or none. Some people love sexual intimacy; others don't particularly want it. Some people are highly relationship-oriented; others aren't.
There isn't one correct way to be sexual.
What matters is whether our sexual lives are consensual, safe, respectful and satisfying for us and the people we're involved with.
Understanding your sexuality isn't necessarily about finding the perfect label.
Sometimes it's about becoming curious.
What do I enjoy? What do I want? What don't I want? What makes me feel connected? What are my boundaries? What do I want from relationships? And am I living my sexuality according to my own values, or according to what I think I'm supposed to want?
Sexuality is a part of being human, but it isn't a box we have to fit ourselves into. It's something we can explore, understand and, perhaps most importantly, make our own.
The psychologists at Sea Spray Psychology have an interest in working with sexuality and its expression, so if this is something you want to talk to a professional about, please get in touch.
